Two New Stone Brewing Company Labels

On the label:

Warning: Double Bastard Ale is not to be wasted on the tentative or weak.  Only the Worthy are invited, and then only at your own risk.  If you have even a modicum of hesitation, DO NOT buy this bottle.  Instead, leave it for a Worthy soul who has already matriculated to the sublime ecstasy of what those in the know refer to as “Liquid Arrogance”.

This is one lacerative muther of a beer.  It is unequivocally certain that your feeble palate is grossly inadequate and thus underserving of this liquid glory…and those around you would have little desire to listen to your resultant whimpering.  Instead, you slackjawed gaping gobemouche, slink away to that pedestrian product which lures agog the great unwashed with the shiny happy  imagery of its silly broadcast propaganda. You know, the one that offers no challenge, yet works very, very hard to imbue the foolhardy with the absurd notion that they are exercising ‘independent’ thought or attempts to convey the perception it is in some way ‘authentic’ or ‘original’.  It’s that one that makes you feel safe and delectates you into the warm, fuzzy, and befudding glow of your own nescience.  Why so many allow themselves to be lead by the nose lacks plausible explanation.  Perhaps you have been so lulled by the siren song of ignorance, that you don’t even notice your white knuckle grip on it.  You feel bold and unique, but alas are nothing but sheep, willingly being herded  to and fro.  If you think you are being piqued in this text, it is nothing when compared to the insults we are all asked to swallow spilling forth from our televisions.  Truth be told, you are being coddled into believing you are special or unique by ethically challenged ‘pay no attention to the man behind the curtain’ marketing exec-types.  Double Bastard Ale calls out the garrulous caitiffs who perpetuate the aforementioned atrocities — and those that buy into them — and demands retribution for their outrageously conniving, intentionally misleading, blatantly masturbatory, and fallacious ad campaigns.  We demand the unmitigated, transparent truth.  We demand forthright honesty.  We want justice!  Call ‘em out and line ‘em up against the wall… NOW!

Style: American Strong Ale (Barrel Aged)
Availability: 16.9 oz bottles
Arrival: TBA

11.5% ABV

On the label:

On the label for the Stone Imperial Russian Stout, we’ve waxed poetically for the last dozen years about the sinfully decadent richness of the beer. Alas, we seem to have pointed ourselves in the corner with fanciful descriptions, as we now find that there are simply not enough superlatives to begin to approach this special two-year-old bourbon barrel aged version. Mere waxing poetic is far too limiting. What we really need is art and music.  A proper description might possibly be accomplished with a mix of haiku, bombastic symphony and manga. Or perhaps it’s a combination grindcore, found-object sculpture and interpretive dance. Best you come to your own conclusion. We’d probably ask you to post your Stone Imperial Russian Stout aged in bourbon barrels interpretive dance on YouTube, but I think we know better. Do send us your haiku however.

Style: Imperial Stout (Barrel Agedsstone)
Availability: 16.9 oz bottles
Arrival: TBA

10.3% ABV 


Whatchoo talkin' 'bout Willis?

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